Pick your Poison


Ilsen Manifesto

Badmarty and Ilsen

Friday, June 23rd, 2000.
You have to start somewhere.

The intro wasn't my first attempt at Flash. It was my second. Here is the first.

I prefer to think of it as simple and elegant.

Wednesday, June 21st, 2000.
It's been 5 weeks since my last confession.

Kunark seems to be exactly the nightmare that any reasonable person would have expected. I am sure it more than satisifies the loyal followers of Everquest, though. Anyways, I went ahead and cleared out my pics directory. So here is one last update:

Aeeni, Akabor, Arkar, Clentun, Crazz Chat, Cyane, Deadeyes, Deith, Dresa Chat, Krukhan, Lavey, Meimeiro, Narabii, Necodreus2, Over, Parrin, Perplexer, Ryien2, The Six Million Dollar Dwarf, Ssok, Shingetter & Laysun, Tempra, Tenacious Chat, Thyrmm and Saxxon, Torsa,
and Xizzt Chat

Saturday, May 13th, 2000.
Some wizards are just born rotten.

I expected the new owner of Badmartigan to try to join the flock and scale Veeshan's Peak just like everyone else. Imagine my surprise when I got the report that he joined some pk guild and is picking up right where I left off. I guess the peaceful law-abiding froglok hunters of Norrath just can't catch a break.

Tuesday, May 2nd, 2000.
A farewell of my own.

What that little story below means to you, the people who had to weather the six week senseless pk storm, is this. Here is your shot. When I was in control of the character, there was a real good chance that I was launching my birds and getting out alive every time. That isn't supposed to happen. Now you can have some closure. Sure, he won't talk like me. He won't bring it to your chest rough like me. But, he will look like me. That should bring some small comfort.

A pessimist might be thinking that is all some elaborate plot for me to be able go to Kunark or the Planes. The old Zyren/Castin maneuver, if you will. I am not sure there is anything I can say to that. You would have to know me to know how much I loathe Everquest. But, there is no way to give proof of that loathing in mere words. Let me give it a shot though.

Think about what it is you do each day in the "game". Hours and hours of fighting the same monster models you fought at level 1, the monsters change names as you get higher of course. You strive to collect the perfect set of equipment. Sadly, you can never attain the 'perfect set' because in the event that you do, they will just whip up an even bigger 'perfect set' for you to go after (it may even cost you 30 dollars to get to it). You spend a year to get to 50 and then they release an expansion that will take you another good 6 months to max out in. Why do you have to max out? Because there is no other real point to the "game". It is basically a never ending, poorly thought out scam that works frighteningly well.

That is just the problems with the "game" on paper. Once you get away from the design problems at the core, you start to uncover even more nonsense in the actual reality of the game. The poor customer service. The endless class changing. The horrendous overcrowding. All of the bugs. All of the broken promises. I am sure I missed some stuff, but anyone reading this page knows the rest of the list.

What really sticks in my craw is that this "game" is, reportedly, the most successful online RPG to date. Is there no justice in this world? The only way I can rationalize that is by assuming that Ultima Online and Asheron's Call (I haven't played either) are just as bad, and that there are people who feel a need to play these types of games no matter what. Sort of like the movie Alive. Those people crashed on a mountainside and they had to eat something. That something happened to be other people. If there had been a four-star restaurant (Read: Shadowbane) on the mountainside, do you think they would have still eaten other people? Me neither.

Anyways, the point was I consider the accusation that I would form some kind of convoluted scheme, to get into the Planes or whatever, an insult. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Tuesday, May 2nd, 2000.
New Management.

I am crossing the street today, and who should I see but seven time world karate champion, Billy Blanks. He seemed to be in a daze, and didn't notice the city bus heading straight for him. Utilizing my cat-like speed and agility, I sprinted over and pulled him out of the way just in the nick of time.

He informed me he was eternally grateful and that he was now in debt to me.

I, of course, remarked, "That the only payment I require is the knowledge that I have done a good deed."

He was adamant, however. He insisted that he be made able to thank me in some fashion.

I said, "Well, if you insist, I have been kind of curious about your Tae-Bo classes and-"

"Say no more", he interrupted.

He reached into his kimono and produced a voucher for 50 free Tae-Bo classes at a gym of my choice.

I said, "Hmmm. 50. Funny you should pick that number. I have a 50 dark elf wizard on the game sweeping the nation, Verant's Everquest."

"What an amazing coincidence! I have a level 15 Iksar monk, named MrMiyagi, on the Rallos Zek server.", he exclaimed.

I said, "Ahh, Rallos Zek, the server of champions. I should have known you were a sporting man. Well, I tell you what Mr. Blanks. Today is truly your lucky day. I don't even play anymore and I would be willing to part with my wizard for only 50 more free Tae-Bo classes."

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Thursday, April 20th, 2000.
The hits just keep on coming.

Ilsen asked me to post his farewell message. I didn't edit it. I just put some paragraphs in it for my own sanity. It's raw. It's primal. It's ruthless. It's right here.

Thursday, April 20th, 2000.

I added Counter-Pumice, Darkfyre, Dathan, Lyssa (as requested), Moreaka, Nighteye, Oliva, Seph2, Skorn, and The Xanthala purple robe fiasco.

Thursday, April 20th, 2000.
Some people have no shame.

I didn't say anything when Zelnik had the colossal-sized nuts to take a poke at my web site's color scheme, even though his site is the cookie cutter black background with white letters. That is basically harmless and all in good fun. Did I become alarmed when he decided to post screenshots with captions? No, because his captions are bush league and I didn't exactly invent the idea either. But I will tell you what is crossing the line. When you are making the captions, you don't lie.

I received a report that Zelnik had a picture of Ilsen going down on his web site. I figured it would be good for a quick laugh, so I decided to take a look. That is when I learned exactly how deep the rabbit hole can go, in regards to a screenshot and caption. Basically, he left no choice but to tell the other half of the story.

The target group was Zelnik, Gonner, and Elderon. They were at the archmage spawn doing whatever it is that upstanding froglok hunters do. We spot all three and quickly decide that, rather than lighting up the naked Begotten caster with harmshield and inspecting his plane wear, we will take a shot at Elderon (who almost has to have something in the depths of Guk when he didnt know we were coming). Ilsen gets the dual wielding necro pet and some frogs on him and goes down somewhere near the back of the hall. Meanwhile, I put down Elderon and pluck his Mithril Vambraces right in front of them. All I have to do now is jump in the pit and cast gate. There is nothing anyone can do about that, unless they are an enchanter. It certainly takes more than some two-bit necro to cost me a Cazic potion. If that is "victory over the fab 2" (laugh), then I really don't know what to say.

I guess now is the time to bring out my Zelnik pic that I had stashed away. After the kill, he gave me some damask leggings and told me, "there is more where that came from, if you don't put me on your page". I would have kept it quiet, if he didn't twist the story on his page. You can view that pic here.

While I am at it, I might as well add some new pics. Look for that later today.

Monday, April 17th, 2000.
You know what that means.

Alright, the bottom line is this. There are seven days left until the much anticipated expansion is released. An estimated 200,000 dedicated fans will either join the race to be the first to kill the Super Megafantasticasaur of Kunark Island, or they will be seeing just how fast you can power level an Iksar to 50 when you have a level 50 druid, shaman, cleric, and enchanter helping it. Great. Give Kunark hell for me guys.

What the expansion means to me is this. People will be rising to the level 60. Sure, it crossed my mind to try and level to 60 right along with them. I quickly realized that wasn't going to be possible though. Some people have collostomy bags, I.V.'s, and whatever else they need to power out 15 hour sessions of froglok stomping fun. It would be pretty foolish to try and compete with that. Verant knows about these people. The travesty is that they have no choice but to make these last 10 levels hard even by their standards. 51-60 is going to be brutal.

Is it possible to remain 50 and do as well as I do? I would have to say no. It is not fun dealing with people 3 and 4 level's above you. Not to mention the people who would be 10 levels above us and casting the very best healing and buffing spells on our targets. Thanks, but no thanks. I will leave with a little dignity (like Michael Jordan and Jerry Seinfeld), if it is all the same to you.

I still have a bunch of pics left, and six days to gather some more pics. So the updates aren't done just yet.

Saturday, April 15th, 2000.
Just as advertised.

I added Big Jakkard, Boogie Nights, Branant & Xyax, Elven Brotherhood, Gmen, Lohengrin, Mugul & Yazzt, Sarphus, Taver, Stampede, and Winasben. Whew. That's thirsty work.

Friday, April 14th, 2000.
One more thing.

That bush league, lovingly crafted, homemade banner at the top is not serious. That is why it is there. Believe it or not, some of the people in the pics are not that stable. Upon their death, there is no telling what will spew forth from their mouths. We get everything from Ebay accusations (Ebay is not only illegal, but it is immoral. We do not now, nor have we ever, use Ebay in any capacity. Thank you.), racial slurs, cursing, being informed that we are being petitioned for whatever they can think of, to the accusation that we are one person playing two computers.

If you know anything about PvP, you know that it would take four arms, four eyes, and two brains to do what we do. That leaves you with two options:

a)I am a four-armed, four-eyed, two brained alien from the planet Funkotron.

b) We are just two people.

Friday, April 14th, 2000.
More work than I thought.

Apparently, it wasn't enough that I was converting every BMP to JPG format, decorating some of those pics, making a link in two places, and thinking up some kind caption for them. And that is just the web site part of it. Let's not forget I have to kill all these people in the first place too. Anyways, I got a report that the only person who could tell which links were new, in that massive Screenshots section, was me.

Okay, fair enough. I will now be adding a link for every new screenshot that comes in. It adds a whole new dimension when I have to fill out a W2 form on every person that lays down. I may have to start letting some of you go.

On a related note, my initial plan was that all visited links would be gray, and all non-visited links would be blue. That way you could just scroll down the list and look for blue links to click on. The Burglar told me there was this new thing called "clearing the cache.", and that my plan was not going to get it done. In my defense, I have never had to "clear the cache" myself. Then again, I don't have to quickly cover my browser tracks due to goat porn and "water sports" viewing either. But I don't judge you here. Clear away.

Sunday, April 9th, 2000.

This page is designed to chronicle the misadventures of the two most electrifying players on the Rallos Zek server. The stars of the show are Badmartigan (The People's Wizard) and Ilsen (The Hamburglar.) It is important to note that these pics in no way reflect all the damage we have done. I only recently decided to start taking pics and to learn HTML. One more important point is that you may notice some angry tells in the slew of screenshots. I do not solicit these tells. 95 percent of the time, I say nothing at all after a kill. Only after the victim has found it necessary to badger me excessively in tells do I respond. That is enough of a disclaimer. Enjoy.